This Is My Life Now
by FluffyGlitterPantsDragon
Summary: Lucifer needs some assistance from Janet. Tags: no ships, Everyone Knows


Title: This is my life now

One Shot, Crack

Lucifer, Janet, Maze, others

Chloe and Trixie wrestled with a brand-new gaming console. it was only slightly literally. Chloe had the screen on but couldn't figure out how to connect to the internet to register the thing. The router lay on its side, lights flashing placidly. _It should be working!_

Trixie sprawled out on the floor, bored, amidst printed instructions in various languages that no one could make heads or tails of. She was in a partial sugar and carb-induced coma due to Lucifer allowing her as much syrup as she wanted.

Well. Lucifer could translate the printouts, if someone else read them aloud, he just didn't want to.

He stood in the kitchen area, wearing a button-up shirt and trousers, tidying up after a normal breakfast spread of waffles and bacon. Maze, meanwhile, lingered over her usual cereal and vodka, checking her phone as the bowl of star-shaped oat crunchies slowly dissolved into so much alcohol-soaked mush.

Lucifer finally looked over at Chloe as she raised a controller to throw it. "Darling?"

She waved it at him instead. "I can't make this work. Dan couldn't make this work. NO ONE can make this work!"

"I wouldn't say _no one._ Just because you and your spawn are having difficulties with modern technology doesn't mean it's impossible. Where is Daniel?"

"He went out for a walk before he broke down and set this thing on fire. Which I might ask you to do in a minute."

Trixie appeared to be indifferent to the fate of the new system.

Lucifer strolled over, rolling up his sleeves and regarded the mess of wires and paper. He frowned over the pile for a moment, then to the air, he called out, "Janet?"

Chloe looked around for whoever or whatever he might be talking to. "What are you doing?"

 _Oh, that's right._ He tried again, with deliberate inflection, " _Janet_."

With no warning, a woman in stilettos, black leather pants, black leather everything else and long tumbling blonde hair _appeared_ in her apartment, leaning an elbow on her kitchen bar counter. She was holding a sparkling-cased phone of indeterminate branding and reading the screen with a bored expression. She didn't even look up.

Maze looked suddenly interested. "Is that supposed to work here? Can I do it?"

 _Janet_ glanced at Maze, did a double take and smiled slyly down at her.

Lucifer groaned. "Bloody hell, that wasn't supposed to happen. I need the other Janet! And no, you can't, Maze."

Chloe peered at him suspiciously. "Lucifer..." Trixie sat up.

The blonde woman looked Lucifer over. "Tough tittles, cutie-pie. The Lord of Hell calls for _Janet_ , he gets me. Not the dull one. Since when do you even want the goody-two-shoes version anyway?"

" _Since_ you won't actually _do_ anything but stand around and annoy me."

"Well, you're not wrong." In her pointed heels, she was nearly Lucifer's height.

"And I'm not the Lord of Hell any longer!" Janet was unimpressed by his lately often-issued declaration.

She barely slid him a tired look through heavy mascara. "Tell that to Papa. Ya called? Ya get me."

Chloe cleared her throat. "Lucifer! Seriously, what's happening here?"

He huffed. "I've made a terrible mistake. Just a moment." He planted his feet slightly, put his hands together in prayer and said, "Janet!"

 _Another_ woman appeared, in a professional-looking outfit of purple and blue, smiling slightly at nothing. Her face and build looked exactly like the other woman's but that where any resemblance ended. "Yes, Samael?"

"Don't call me that. Go over to the entertainment center. I need you to fix this stubborn plastic and wire box for the lady and the spawn."

"Certainly. One moment." She lightly stepped down over to Chloe in sensible heels and gently dropped to her knees, collecting the paper instructions. "Hello, Chloe Decker. Beatrice."

Chloe stared. "How does she know my name?"

"I know everything up the present microsecond. Including your birthday, favorite tv show and how loudly you snore."

"Hey!"

Trixie poked the kneeling Janet. "Are you one of Lucifer's friends?"

Janet the second shook her head. "I don't have any friends. I am a simulation with a physical body, though it's a little different where I normally live in my void. I reside in The Good Place. Samael might call it a subdivision of the Silver City. Bad Janet lives in The Bad Place." She said every bit of it matter-of-fact.

The girl's gaze widened. "Mom and dad used to call heaven 'The Good Place' when great-grandma died. Lucifer said she's there now, and he doesn't lie."

"That is correct. He bluffs sometimes though. He's not very good at it." The brunette Janet took the controller from Chloe's limp fingers, turning it over then looking at the screen carefully.

Trixie's father returned just then with a box of warm donuts, holding them up triumphantly for about three seconds before the scene sank in. "Hey, I think I'm ready to take another crack at the console-what the _hell_ is happening?"

Chloe grumbled. "Donuts? Really? After those waffles?"

He shrugged without taking his attention away from everything else.

Janet the first glared at Lucifer. "Can I go now? I'm bored and Junk Facebook is taking _forever_ to load up here." She rolled her eyes dramatically on 'forever'.

Lucifer glanced at her phone, over her shoulder. "Really? Do they have Nice Facebook upstairs now too?"

"Just in The Good Place. Your old stomping grounds are behind the times. The Silver City is probably still full of standing harps and flying ugly babies. No wonder you left."

"I didn't leave. I was cast out."

"Tom-ay-toe, Tah-mah-toe."

Maze stood up from the table, prowling over to her and purring. "Do you really want to leave so soon, BJ?"

Chloe's face shot up, alarmed. "Maze!"

"Short for Bad Janet." Her eyes traced down the black-clad Janet's body, ignoring the other Janet by the TV. "Don't worry, I'll just take her over to LUX. Bad Janet looks like she needs a drink or five. They must be working you so hard, honey."

Chloe gaped. "It's 9 a.m.!"

"Then we'll have the place to ourselves, won't we?"

Lucifer waved them to go as if it was no consequence. Bad Janet wrapped her hands lightly around Maze' waist. "I haven't seen you in a long time, baby. How have you been?"

Dan's face had completely blanked over, the corners of his box caving slightly inward under the pressure of his fingers. "Can someone _please_ tell me what's going on?"

Chloe glanced from Janet to Janet to Dan to Lucifer. "Lucifer?"

Trixie pointed. "Dad, that's Bad Janet, and that's regular Janet. I guess. Bad Janet hasn't done anything bad yet though."

He hadn't stepped further past the door just yet, clutching the donuts with tight knuckles and a strained look. "Bad… Janet?"

Black-clad Janet looked away from Maze to him, her blonde hair swinging. Her smile widened. "Oh, can we take him too?"

Chloe slapped her hands over Trixie's ears. "DAN."

He jumped. "I didn't even _do_ anything. Why are there strange women in your apartment, Chlo?"

She kept inexplicably glaring at him. "I can hear you thinking about it from over here."

Lucifer cocked an eyebrow. "You'd have fun, Daniel."

"Is this a Hell thing? I feel like this is a Hell thing. I definitely feel like I'm in a Hell-loop right now. Did I die on the way back from getting donuts?" He willed himself to walk into the apartment, setting down the box like it might bite him.

Bad Janet held onto Maze's hand, stalking over to Dan and pulling the demon along. She leaned against him, speaking too quietly for anyone else to hear. Except maybe Lucifer, who cracked a bright smile.

Dan flushed red and loosed a hand to pull at his shirt neck. "Uh. I... Maybe?"

Chloe rolled her eyes. "No, _you_ are going to stay here and fix this! And bring me a donut before I go insane. And your daughter is _watching_."

"Okay, okay. Maybe another time. I wanna be invited back here again to play video games with Trix. Who is more important than a demonic thr-" He cleared his throat and glanced again at the girls by the TV. "Yeah. Nope. Maze is scary as all get out anyway. I think I'm dodging a bullet."

Maze grinned. "Thank you, but your loss."

Second, nice Janet finished doing something with the console and handed the controller back to Chloe. "There. All done." She smiled expectantly.

Chloe accepted the controller. "Thank you?"

"You're very welcome, human. And child." She wiggled her fingers cheerfully at Trixie.

Trixie asked Lucifer, "is she an angel?"

Lucifer noticed Bad Janet left her phone on the counter. He pocketed it. "Hmm? No, spawn, She assists souls in The Good Place. I forgot when I called that Bad Janet might appear instead, but it seems to be working out for everyone. Bad Janet does the same job downstairs, sort of."

Chloe eyed him sharply. "So she's like... Physical Google?"

He tilted his head. "More like JARVIS, with less autonomy. She can't just go plant a flower bed without instructions, nor can BJ jot off and rob a bank for giggles."

Bad Janet rolled her eyes. "But I totally would."

"Yes, darling, I sure you would. Why don't you and my demon go play catch-up then? Tell Sean I said hello and ask him if Michael is still a raging-"

Chloe yelled, " _LUCIFER._ "

He sighed. "Well, you know what'd I'd tell him."

"Sure, _boss_. Toodles."


End file.
